Still Day 6

Does the other ever show up on your front door, asking you to reconsider?  Telling you they fucked up, and then follow through with a solid attempt at fixing things?

Day 6.5

It's my birthday today.  A bittersweet day.  To solidify transition, I went skydiving for the first time, and scheduled it to be as close to the time of my physical birth as possible.  It was the first time in perhaps, ever, that I just let go of all control and could relax.  If that makes sense.

I wrote him the words I needed to express in a letter, and placed it in a card and put it in his door.  I explained that each time he retreats, it just remixes the toxicity of my emotions, and that I can't do it any more.  I am not an angry person, yet I am overwhelmed with anger.  I thanked him for reminding me what it is that is missing in my life, I pointed out the irony of how he can be with women for years who mistreat and emotionally abuse him, yet ran away when he actually had someone who was pushing him to be the best he can be.  And I outlined the fact that ultimately, for me, it was his lies that I could not live with.  When I am feeling at my most insecure, I question if he ever felt anything for me.  That is no way to live.

I told him that I hope he succeeds in his life, and that both he and I know he has many demons to face along the way if he is ever to be the man he wants to be.  And, I told him that he needs to find a therapist he likes and respects to help guide him: we all need help sometimes, and he isn't going to find his way out alone.

Today is about letting go.  Letting go of control, and relaxing as everything falls where it will.