Still...nothing. The other night, when we last communicated, we discussed the picture. I was angry, and I told him it reminded me of the night I saw the first flag, and should have run. I asked why he kept it, and he said it reminded him of a fun time we had together.
Anyhow, last night, I pasted the description of the picture, and what it means to, into fb chat. I don't know if he googled it, and found his way here. Or if he just honestly is ignoring me. However, I am sure that the words I write sting. I would avoid me if I read them.
Thing is...I only posted the comment after I searched for the words...and got nothing. It wasn't until later that I realized there is a "blogs" tab on the side that enables a different search. I doubt he is as naive as me. So, alas, we may never have that chat.
Perhaps it's for the best. I mean...where would the conversation go, anyhow? What does he have to say that is going to make the sting of all this subside? Make me heal any faster? Trust any sooner? He is no magician. His words are not magic.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
An Hour Later
I am trying very hard to not allow the anger that I am starting to feel from engulfing me. I can feel pressure in my chest from pain and frustration crushing my pride. It is in moments like these that the desire to lash out begins, and if I do not find a way to manage these moments, I don't know if I will ever be able to fully prevent this all too fucked up reaction. At times like this, I have a hard time not getting into my car and driving to his home. I think what stops me is not knowing what I would do when I got there. Turn around in shame? Wait for him to exit outside to smoke? And if so, then what? What is there to say?
When this all started, when he first shut me out, I did do this. I was in such a state of disbelief, that I had to confront him. Who breaks up in silence? The words "this is not working, and we should go our separate ways" need to be said! They were not said then, nor were they said now.
That he avoids conversation, communication, and this necessary conversation highlights how cowardly he is. That only fuels my anger, and it makes me wish to show him his diminutive reflection. He is no man when he hides; just a child. A pitiful child lacking the ability to find words and formulate sentences. Then, momentarily, the anger subsides and pity pools in. How sad of an existence, when one can not find the strength to express their emotions, thoughts, perspective. I feel sorry for him. And I oscillate. By the second. It forms a whirlwind of confused emotion inside me, and I experience a type of rage that I have never experienced before. I hope to never experience this again, after I have been able to let go and move on.
Sylvia Plath said, in The Bell Jar, "If you expect nothing from somebody you are never disappointed." I want to expect nothing, but I do not even know where to begin. The concept is so foreign to me that I am utterly lost when imagining its actualization. And, then I have to ask...is respecting me enough to give me even the slightest bit of perspective really asking too much?
When we were on a three and a half week road trip this past spring, there was a nearly 24-hour period of complete silence on his part. It had been a long day. We began in Asheville, NC, where we had stayed the night prior at a Ramada Inn. We had fought that day, though I don't recall what over. We barely spoke to one another as we settled in the room, and throughout the night. The next morning, however, we set aside our frustrations, and ended up having sex on the dining table. When we went to leave for our next destination, my car "check engine light" turned on and my car horn made random beeping. We spent the next couple of hours dealing with car issues, and then finally were on our way.
We arrived at the field site in late afternoon, and I ate half of a bagel that I had taken from the motel breakfast buffet. We searched out salamanders that afternoon, and into the evening well past dark. We were incredibly successful, and despite a patchy morning, the afternoon had been good to us. But then, now it was night. He had not eaten all day, and he was grumpy and exhausted. He refused to camp in an established camp ground, as it was after 10 pm and he didn't want to disturb anyone. I was tired, and I didn't want to fight...so I pulled into a view point parking lot for the night. He was in the back food bin gathering the bagel he hadn't eaten that I had grabbed for him that morning, and I asked him to hand me my other half. After what seemed to be five minutes of him saying "I don't see it," I turned around and saw him with three circular halves on his plate...and I pointed out that three halves is more than an whole, and that the third was what I had asked him to hand me. He immediately grew more angry than I had ever seen, and started screaming about the bagels.
I don't recall his words, but I do recall how he came to his side of the car and threw the entire plate of bagels in my direction, though at the dash, not necessarily me. I was completely shocked, and had no idea how to respond. So, I just took the dogs to the bathroom, returned to the car, and tried to go to sleep. He had had random outbursts before, but this was the first of this magnitude. I honestly had no idea what the trigger had been, and why anything to do with a bagel could possibly make anyone nearly that angry. The next day, we continued in silence. He spent the day in and out of sleep, slouched against the passengers door while I tried my best to go about my collecting. At some point early evening, just before dark, I asked him "If I find a campground, will you at least help me set up the tent." He agreed with a nod, maybe a word. And conversation slowly began.
We stood in a slight drizzle after the tent was set up, and I looked at him and asked why he had been so upset. His response? That he had become incredibly frustrated by not being able to find the bagel. He said I eat exactly half of everything: in his mind he was looking for half a bagel...and he moved his hand up and down, indicating he was looking for a half circle with a top and bottom, not a full circle of just top or bottom. This combined with the fact that he had not eaten all day drove him to the edge, and that I had ignored his request for a cigarette, though I sat and smoked in front of him, drove him over the edge. The problem was that I had not ignored his request: I had not even heard it.
"XXXX," I said to him, "I have told you before that you do not need to ask. If you want a cigarette, just take one." He looked at me in a manner that suggested he didn't quite understand. I then asked, "So, in your mind, all last night and all today, I have been smoking in front of you as what? Punishment? If you were out, why didn't you tell me? I could have got you some this morning when I stopped for gas, and got us both a sandwich and soda." (I was paying him to be my assistant on this trip, and it ended up that I just paid for what he wanted or needed as we went along, and reimbursed him the remainder later [it had not dawned on me that my bank would not be in NC or TN, so I couldn't stop by a branch and withdraw cash...and I hate to use ATMs where I have to pay extra fees...besides, it wasn't a problem as we were together continuously, and if he wanted something, I was there to pay for it]...and while I had not asked, it was clear that other than what I was paying him, he had no money).
I continued..."Why would I do that?," referring to the silent and intent punishment. His response? "I thought you were still mad about me not wanting to camp in a camp ground."
It seemed so bizarre to me that I had to ask, "Why would I EVER punish you? Why would I sit next to you and refuse to give you something so simple as a cigarette? I would NEVER do that to you. I would never do that to ANYONE." I added, jokingly, "If I wanted to punish someone, I would have children...but I don't." He told me that this is how he had been treated by others before me...that multiple exes of his had punished him in such a manner.
I embraced him, and in the increasingly strong drizzle, told him that I am not his exes, I am me. And such behavior is entirely inconceivable to me. I told him I was so sorry that he had been treated in that manner...and I promised that I would NEVER do that to him. I then told him that he can not have fits of anger as he had had the night before, that it scared me. I explained that never before have I experienced something of that nature, and I didn't want to experience it ever again. We continued to embrace one another, I though having reached a mutual understanding that respect of one another was integral to me, and integral for our relationship.
This is why, when he gave me the silent-treatment the first time, I was in such shock and so distraught. I had told him in the rain that I would respect him, and I would never passively punish him. However, that is exactly what it felt he was doing to me. I had told him another time that the silent treatment is the ONE THING that I can not handle more than anything else. Yet, he was doing it to me.
XXXX has a number of unique 'quirks.' The bagel incident will forever stand out, because in his mind, he was entirely incapable of viewing a bagel half as anything other than a top and bottom, cut vertically. Even when looking right at three halves, he had nothing click in his mind. And the outbursts. That wasn't the first, nor was it the last. But they always happened rapidly, and without any intentional provocation. And, when we talked about them later, they were always based in misunderstanding...him not understanding me or the tone of voice that should have indicated sarcasm or fear underlying my words. Later, I came to conclude that he has Asperger's syndrome (the diagnosis was not based solely on the bagel or the outbursts...and, I am sure I will get around to the details of this at a later post).
Anyhow, his silent retreats. They are likely a function of Asperger's, and are what is called a "shut down" or a "melt down." Despite the fact that I rationally know that he is not doing these to hurt me, I am still hurt. And, in my mind, I begin to oscillate between Asperger's and Anti-Social Personality Disorder (AKA Sociopath). I may honestly never know which he is...he has characteristics of both. However, in my oscillations, I always remember how gentle he is/was most of the time. How he would reach out and grab my hand all the time: walking, driving, whatever. I always remember the defeat in his eyes, and the heaviness of his heart, when he explained to me how he just EXPECTED me to be punishing him for the night before. How he was so afraid of hurting me during sex that he had a difficult time performing some of the things I asked (like pulling my hair or choking me). I remember these, and I know in my heart that while many things may not have been as I had thought, these were. Lies are words, not actions. You can lie about where you have been, or what you have been doing. But to lie in ones actions...that is a real gift, and only a true sociopath is capable of this. Hence, when I get very confused and very emotional, I being to question EVERYTHING. Hence, why I am so desperate for answers, why I have so many questions, and why I can't just let go.
He is either the most evil individual I have ever crossed paths with, lying in his every word and action just to reel me in and ultimately try to destroy me...or he is a scared, confused man who has been so mistreated his entire life that he honestly has been robbed of most of his strength.
I don't know. My heart tells me one thing, my fear and my anxiety tell me another. My rational mind does not have the answer, and my emotions can not seem to agree.
When this all started, when he first shut me out, I did do this. I was in such a state of disbelief, that I had to confront him. Who breaks up in silence? The words "this is not working, and we should go our separate ways" need to be said! They were not said then, nor were they said now.
That he avoids conversation, communication, and this necessary conversation highlights how cowardly he is. That only fuels my anger, and it makes me wish to show him his diminutive reflection. He is no man when he hides; just a child. A pitiful child lacking the ability to find words and formulate sentences. Then, momentarily, the anger subsides and pity pools in. How sad of an existence, when one can not find the strength to express their emotions, thoughts, perspective. I feel sorry for him. And I oscillate. By the second. It forms a whirlwind of confused emotion inside me, and I experience a type of rage that I have never experienced before. I hope to never experience this again, after I have been able to let go and move on.
Sylvia Plath said, in The Bell Jar, "If you expect nothing from somebody you are never disappointed." I want to expect nothing, but I do not even know where to begin. The concept is so foreign to me that I am utterly lost when imagining its actualization. And, then I have to ask...is respecting me enough to give me even the slightest bit of perspective really asking too much?
When we were on a three and a half week road trip this past spring, there was a nearly 24-hour period of complete silence on his part. It had been a long day. We began in Asheville, NC, where we had stayed the night prior at a Ramada Inn. We had fought that day, though I don't recall what over. We barely spoke to one another as we settled in the room, and throughout the night. The next morning, however, we set aside our frustrations, and ended up having sex on the dining table. When we went to leave for our next destination, my car "check engine light" turned on and my car horn made random beeping. We spent the next couple of hours dealing with car issues, and then finally were on our way.
We arrived at the field site in late afternoon, and I ate half of a bagel that I had taken from the motel breakfast buffet. We searched out salamanders that afternoon, and into the evening well past dark. We were incredibly successful, and despite a patchy morning, the afternoon had been good to us. But then, now it was night. He had not eaten all day, and he was grumpy and exhausted. He refused to camp in an established camp ground, as it was after 10 pm and he didn't want to disturb anyone. I was tired, and I didn't want to fight...so I pulled into a view point parking lot for the night. He was in the back food bin gathering the bagel he hadn't eaten that I had grabbed for him that morning, and I asked him to hand me my other half. After what seemed to be five minutes of him saying "I don't see it," I turned around and saw him with three circular halves on his plate...and I pointed out that three halves is more than an whole, and that the third was what I had asked him to hand me. He immediately grew more angry than I had ever seen, and started screaming about the bagels.
I don't recall his words, but I do recall how he came to his side of the car and threw the entire plate of bagels in my direction, though at the dash, not necessarily me. I was completely shocked, and had no idea how to respond. So, I just took the dogs to the bathroom, returned to the car, and tried to go to sleep. He had had random outbursts before, but this was the first of this magnitude. I honestly had no idea what the trigger had been, and why anything to do with a bagel could possibly make anyone nearly that angry. The next day, we continued in silence. He spent the day in and out of sleep, slouched against the passengers door while I tried my best to go about my collecting. At some point early evening, just before dark, I asked him "If I find a campground, will you at least help me set up the tent." He agreed with a nod, maybe a word. And conversation slowly began.
We stood in a slight drizzle after the tent was set up, and I looked at him and asked why he had been so upset. His response? That he had become incredibly frustrated by not being able to find the bagel. He said I eat exactly half of everything: in his mind he was looking for half a bagel...and he moved his hand up and down, indicating he was looking for a half circle with a top and bottom, not a full circle of just top or bottom. This combined with the fact that he had not eaten all day drove him to the edge, and that I had ignored his request for a cigarette, though I sat and smoked in front of him, drove him over the edge. The problem was that I had not ignored his request: I had not even heard it.
"XXXX," I said to him, "I have told you before that you do not need to ask. If you want a cigarette, just take one." He looked at me in a manner that suggested he didn't quite understand. I then asked, "So, in your mind, all last night and all today, I have been smoking in front of you as what? Punishment? If you were out, why didn't you tell me? I could have got you some this morning when I stopped for gas, and got us both a sandwich and soda." (I was paying him to be my assistant on this trip, and it ended up that I just paid for what he wanted or needed as we went along, and reimbursed him the remainder later [it had not dawned on me that my bank would not be in NC or TN, so I couldn't stop by a branch and withdraw cash...and I hate to use ATMs where I have to pay extra fees...besides, it wasn't a problem as we were together continuously, and if he wanted something, I was there to pay for it]...and while I had not asked, it was clear that other than what I was paying him, he had no money).
I continued..."Why would I do that?," referring to the silent and intent punishment. His response? "I thought you were still mad about me not wanting to camp in a camp ground."
It seemed so bizarre to me that I had to ask, "Why would I EVER punish you? Why would I sit next to you and refuse to give you something so simple as a cigarette? I would NEVER do that to you. I would never do that to ANYONE." I added, jokingly, "If I wanted to punish someone, I would have children...but I don't." He told me that this is how he had been treated by others before me...that multiple exes of his had punished him in such a manner.
I embraced him, and in the increasingly strong drizzle, told him that I am not his exes, I am me. And such behavior is entirely inconceivable to me. I told him I was so sorry that he had been treated in that manner...and I promised that I would NEVER do that to him. I then told him that he can not have fits of anger as he had had the night before, that it scared me. I explained that never before have I experienced something of that nature, and I didn't want to experience it ever again. We continued to embrace one another, I though having reached a mutual understanding that respect of one another was integral to me, and integral for our relationship.
This is why, when he gave me the silent-treatment the first time, I was in such shock and so distraught. I had told him in the rain that I would respect him, and I would never passively punish him. However, that is exactly what it felt he was doing to me. I had told him another time that the silent treatment is the ONE THING that I can not handle more than anything else. Yet, he was doing it to me.
XXXX has a number of unique 'quirks.' The bagel incident will forever stand out, because in his mind, he was entirely incapable of viewing a bagel half as anything other than a top and bottom, cut vertically. Even when looking right at three halves, he had nothing click in his mind. And the outbursts. That wasn't the first, nor was it the last. But they always happened rapidly, and without any intentional provocation. And, when we talked about them later, they were always based in misunderstanding...him not understanding me or the tone of voice that should have indicated sarcasm or fear underlying my words. Later, I came to conclude that he has Asperger's syndrome (the diagnosis was not based solely on the bagel or the outbursts...and, I am sure I will get around to the details of this at a later post).
Anyhow, his silent retreats. They are likely a function of Asperger's, and are what is called a "shut down" or a "melt down." Despite the fact that I rationally know that he is not doing these to hurt me, I am still hurt. And, in my mind, I begin to oscillate between Asperger's and Anti-Social Personality Disorder (AKA Sociopath). I may honestly never know which he is...he has characteristics of both. However, in my oscillations, I always remember how gentle he is/was most of the time. How he would reach out and grab my hand all the time: walking, driving, whatever. I always remember the defeat in his eyes, and the heaviness of his heart, when he explained to me how he just EXPECTED me to be punishing him for the night before. How he was so afraid of hurting me during sex that he had a difficult time performing some of the things I asked (like pulling my hair or choking me). I remember these, and I know in my heart that while many things may not have been as I had thought, these were. Lies are words, not actions. You can lie about where you have been, or what you have been doing. But to lie in ones actions...that is a real gift, and only a true sociopath is capable of this. Hence, when I get very confused and very emotional, I being to question EVERYTHING. Hence, why I am so desperate for answers, why I have so many questions, and why I can't just let go.
He is either the most evil individual I have ever crossed paths with, lying in his every word and action just to reel me in and ultimately try to destroy me...or he is a scared, confused man who has been so mistreated his entire life that he honestly has been robbed of most of his strength.
I don't know. My heart tells me one thing, my fear and my anxiety tell me another. My rational mind does not have the answer, and my emotions can not seem to agree.
Day 5.5
I don't know if it's a setback. I don't know what it is.
The person of my breakup finally responded to my facebook messages. We had an open line of communication, and he agreed to meet in person. I explained that since we never talked about our expectations and never expressed our disappointments, that doing so would be good. For me at least.
We were supposed to meet yesterday, but he had an excuse. He said he would contact me today, and we would do it today. We continued to converse about a few things, such as why his facebook picture is still the one I took. He told me it was because it reminded me of a fun time we had together. I cried. I told him that never before have I wanted a relationship to work so badly, and that under other circumstances we would be amazing. But, with us each as we are today, it won't. And I cried some more. I really did look forward to the meeting today, though maybe it's best he has retreated into silence again.
I met with a counselor today; the intro meeting. He wanted to know what I hoped to get from this, and I explained that I know we can not change others, and we can not alter their behavior, but we do have the ability to control our own responses. I want to understand the motives of him and others who have hurt me, and I want to learn a healthy way to respond. I wan't too sold on the guy, but at the end he said something that makes me think he might be able to offer insight. He told me that because of my chaotic unstable upbringing, I am naturally going to seek out dynamic and chaotic relationships. Only one of my relationships was "unexciting" to me. And, while probably being the most stable relationship I ever had, I was unable to love this man, and after 2.5 years, ended up terminating things. The two people with whom I have had the fastest and hardest attraction to, however, were rather dynamic individuals. The person of now, and the person of 10 years ago. The relationships, however, were quite different...though both did offer me a sense of really being alive...really FEELING something.
I don't want to think that I am never going to be satisfied with someone who is stable, and that I will never be able to love someone who doesn't trigger to some extent the lava lurking beneath my surface. However, the idea of a relationship without passion...unadulterated raw desire and a sense of something greater than myself that I am unable to control...it's unappealing.
Then again, so too is being destroyed once more by that which I can not control.
The person of my breakup finally responded to my facebook messages. We had an open line of communication, and he agreed to meet in person. I explained that since we never talked about our expectations and never expressed our disappointments, that doing so would be good. For me at least.
We were supposed to meet yesterday, but he had an excuse. He said he would contact me today, and we would do it today. We continued to converse about a few things, such as why his facebook picture is still the one I took. He told me it was because it reminded me of a fun time we had together. I cried. I told him that never before have I wanted a relationship to work so badly, and that under other circumstances we would be amazing. But, with us each as we are today, it won't. And I cried some more. I really did look forward to the meeting today, though maybe it's best he has retreated into silence again.
I met with a counselor today; the intro meeting. He wanted to know what I hoped to get from this, and I explained that I know we can not change others, and we can not alter their behavior, but we do have the ability to control our own responses. I want to understand the motives of him and others who have hurt me, and I want to learn a healthy way to respond. I wan't too sold on the guy, but at the end he said something that makes me think he might be able to offer insight. He told me that because of my chaotic unstable upbringing, I am naturally going to seek out dynamic and chaotic relationships. Only one of my relationships was "unexciting" to me. And, while probably being the most stable relationship I ever had, I was unable to love this man, and after 2.5 years, ended up terminating things. The two people with whom I have had the fastest and hardest attraction to, however, were rather dynamic individuals. The person of now, and the person of 10 years ago. The relationships, however, were quite different...though both did offer me a sense of really being alive...really FEELING something.
I don't want to think that I am never going to be satisfied with someone who is stable, and that I will never be able to love someone who doesn't trigger to some extent the lava lurking beneath my surface. However, the idea of a relationship without passion...unadulterated raw desire and a sense of something greater than myself that I am unable to control...it's unappealing.
Then again, so too is being destroyed once more by that which I can not control.
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