Day 5.5

I don't know if it's a setback.  I don't know what it is. 

The person of my breakup finally responded to my facebook messages.  We had an open line of communication, and he agreed to meet in person.  I explained that since we never talked about our expectations and never expressed our disappointments, that doing so would be good.  For me at least.

We were supposed to meet yesterday, but he had an excuse.  He said he would contact me today, and we would do it today.  We continued to converse about a few things, such as why his facebook picture is still the one I took.  He told me it was because it reminded me of a fun time we had together.  I cried.  I told him that never before have I wanted a relationship to work so badly, and that under other circumstances we would be amazing.  But, with us each as we are today, it won't.  And I cried some more.  I really did look forward to the meeting today, though maybe it's best he has retreated into silence again. 

I met with a counselor today; the intro meeting.  He wanted to know what I hoped to get from this, and I explained that I know we can not change others, and we can not alter their behavior, but we do have the ability to control our own responses.  I want to understand the motives of him and others who have hurt me, and I want to learn a healthy way to respond.  I wan't too sold on the guy, but at the end he said something that makes me think he might be able to offer insight.  He told me that because of my chaotic unstable upbringing, I am naturally going to seek out dynamic and chaotic relationships.  Only one of my relationships was "unexciting" to me.  And, while probably being the most stable relationship I ever had, I was unable to love this man, and after 2.5 years, ended up terminating things.  The two people with whom I have  had the fastest and hardest attraction to, however, were rather dynamic individuals.  The person of now, and the person of 10 years ago.  The relationships, however, were quite different...though both did offer me a sense of really being alive...really FEELING something.

I don't want to think that I am never going to be satisfied with someone who is stable, and that I will never be able to love someone who doesn't trigger to some extent the lava lurking beneath my surface.  However, the idea of a relationship without passion...unadulterated raw desire and a sense of something greater than myself that I am unable to control...it's unappealing.

Then again, so too is being destroyed once more by that which I can not control.